ONE DAY ROAD TRIPS
Is it cheating to sleep at home for a night whilst road-tripping? Money had run very low and it was a bit late to call anyone to stay with at this short notice, and we had to go to Essex in the morning. And the M4 ends very close to one of the assistants' front door.  And we'd be able to make sandwiches for the following day's sustenance.  And, anyway, WHERE IS IT WRITTEN?

We think, on reflection, that it is not cheating. We would be more than happy for you or us, or anyone at all, to take one day road trips at any time that they see fit. In fact we shall do some ourselves very soon.

'Hang about assistants' we hear you dissenters mutter 'is this not just a 'day-out in the car' that you refer to'
We think not. As long as there is some element of the unknown about your excursion, (i.e. you have no idea where you are going to/ you have no idea how to get there/ you stop somewhere unexpected or unplanned/ you forgot your map/ wits) we will be happy to put this experience in the category of 'one-day road trip'.

ESSEX
Our Chinese restaurant trail continues: they really are everywhere......even without any other shops in sight, anywhere at all, you can be sure to find yourself a chicken-fried rice. Isn't that good? The Chinese do make exceedingly good food. Stop and have some if you're hungry, go on knock yourself out.

The Assistants also notice the difference in Gas prices. In the North of England it'll cost you 42p for a litre (or for a phooosch or whatever quantities they sell it in) whereas in the South of England you can expect to pay more like 52p.  Pick the bones outta that!

And thus the Assistants find themselves in Ongar, Essex
Following many big brown signs for the SECRET NUCLEAR BUNKER
An interesting contradiction in terms you would think.
It's a strange and raw experience.  The Secret Nuclear Bunker was in use up until 1994. It's in Kelvedon Hatch and was a Regional Government HQ, originally built in the 50s with space for 600 military and civilian personnel in case of a nuclear attack.

No working body was in sight and just a handful of fellow visitors. Extraordinary dummies, however, are leaning on things around every corner, more dummies than you can shake a Geiger counter at (the assistants have never seen so many odd, mangled dummies as they have in this week)

The feeling of desolation is palpable.
You are self-guided, with signs and audio handsets. There are heavy duty government public information films, such as the early 80s 'Protect and Survive' to tell you how to make your shelter at home, and such. Scary little lean-to constructions fashioned out of your kitchen table- an updating of the Morrison shelters that citizens in the 1940 were advised to create under their 1940s tables. The only difference, of course, being that citizens during the blitz of WWII were not going to have to stay in their shelters for 2 months or so to have a hope of surviving the fall-out, radiation sickness, burning nuclear winds and such that we were looking forward to in the early 80s - that's if you and your little table and suitcase shelter weren't 'unlucky' enough to be vaporised instantaneously. In a CHANNEL4 poll of the 100 scariest film moments, Protect and Survive came 89^th.

At the end of the tour the assistants found themselves on camera in a deserted canteen all set up and ready to take orders, here a sign announces " if you ask for chips we'll either say yes or no" but who to ask? (perhaps one of the armless/legless torso dummies sitting at the 80s computer terminals in a communication room- but then empty shirt sleeves and trouser legs are pretty ineffectual when faced with a deep fat fryer surely) and so we leave the bunker's canteen, as desolate as a nuclear winter where the honesty boxes await the next visitor's contributions. Freaked.

We joined Brentwood's permanent traffic jam and ate our 'marinated radish and baby parking meter on wholemeal' sandwiches.

1300 MILES LATER
4 ½ days: 1300 miles. The assistants find they are quite possibly heading towards delirium. And today, with weighted thoughts of radioactive contamination TESCO means Tumor Eating Societies Communal Organs. Do you know? £1 in every £8 or, some-places it says, in every £7 of the British pound is spent in TESCO. We'd like to bet money that Tesco have a store inside wherever the new and still actually secret, government nuclear bunker is.

Maybe it's on one of the odd 'works exits' such as the M4's Junction 8 ½ - Works Unit only' which is infact 'RAF Welford' - see Mark Thomas's projects http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=MQnPVI5IS6s&feature=related.

Ah ha- after a little googling and some assistance from Mark Thomas we discover its in Corsham, infact.

Check out TV AM's 1984 report http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=bnBljGkMLVM&NR=1

Or Mr Thomas's own meddlings at

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=KrsN1xuvVp4&NR=1